#my 2014 self is thriving here | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thorntonkrell-blog-blog · 8 months ago

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The situation in the Ukraine reminds us of the days of the Iron Curtain as Putin attempts to move it further East at the expense of Ukranian freedom.

Putin's efforts to expand Russia's sphere of influence into Ukraine have been met with significant resistance from the Ukrainian government and its allies in the West. Russia's annexation of Crimea in 2014 and ongoing support for separatist rebels in eastern Ukraine have escalated tensions and drawn condemnation from the international community. Putin is certain that he is doing his best to insure the future of Russia.

In America, we are hamstrung by the Iron Certain. Our country is divided with both sides convinced of the certainity of their positions. We tend to gravitate toward sources of information that reinforce our existing beliefs, leading to echo chambers, broken records and a lack of meaningful dialogue between opposing viewpoints.

Riversend is committed to uncertainity as exemplitied in our motto…."If you're asking my opinion don't take my advice. When Riversend poses a question, even an old one like "to be or not to be?" we are not seeking an answer. We are promoting thought. In this way, Riversend is a provocative congregation that ironically discourages confrontation as we encouraging contemplation while recognizing paradox and learning from it.

Our country is divided with both sides convinced of the certainity of their positions.

Political polarization in the United States has been a significant issue for some time, with differences in opinion on key issues often leading to gridlock in government and strained social relations. People tend to gravitate toward sources of information that reinforce their existing beliefs, leading to echo chambers, broken records and a lack of meaningful dialogue between opposing viewpoints and certainties

This kind of division can hinder progress and make it difficult to find common ground on important issues facing the country. It's crucial for individuals and leaders to work toward bridging these divides, fostering understanding, empathy, and constructive dialogue across ideological lines.

Efforts to promote civil discourse, engage in active listening, and seek out diverse perspectives can help break down the barriers created by political polarization and promote greater unity and understanding within society. Ultimately, a healthy democracy thrives on the ability to engage in respectful debate and compromise, even in the face of deeply held convictions.

When Riversend poses a question, even an old one like "to be or not to be?" we are not seeking an answer. We are promoting thought in this way, Riversend is a provocative congregation that ironically discourages confrontation while encouraging contemplation while recognizing paradox and learning from it.

By embracing uncertainty and encouraging individuals to think for themselves, Riversend fosters a culture of intellectual curiosity, creativity, and personal autonomy. This approach can lead to more nuanced and thoughtful discussions, as well as better decision-making in both personal and professional contexts.

Riversend's philosophy appears to prioritize the journey of inquiry and self-discovery over the pursuit of easy answers, promoting a deeper understanding of oneself and the world.

A deeper understanding, not a certain understanding.

Our emphasis on promoting thought and contemplation while discouraging confrontation aligns with the idea of creating a space for respectful dialogue and exploration of diverse perspectives. By recognizing and embracing paradoxes, We acknowledges the inherent complexities of life and encourage Riversenders to learn from them rather than attempt to resolve them outright or kick the crap out of one another.

And the baseball season is once again upon us bringing its lessons on paradox and uncertainity.

We'll play some more ball tomorrow.

Perhaps

I hope you show up to the field and I'm thrilled you're here now.

The River flows.

Nyukamayum.

Like if you like.

Our emphasis on promoting thought and contemplation while discouraging confrontation aligns with the idea of creating a space for respectful dialogue and exploration of diverse perspectives. By recognizing and embracing paradoxes, Riversend acknowledges the inherent complexities of life and encourages individuals to learn from them rather than attempting to resolve them outright or kick the crap out of one another.

This approach fosters intellectual growth, humility, and an appreciation for the richness of human experience. It encourages individuals to embrace ambiguity and uncertainty, recognizing that profound insights can emerge from grappling with life's unanswered questions.

Overall, Riversend's philosophy appears to prioritize the journey of inquiry and self-discovery over the pursuit of easy answers, promoting a deeper understanding of oneself and the world.

User Somewhere in our development we became aware of death which separated us from all other animals and gave us a foothold in two worlds. ChatGPT The awareness of death is indeed a significant aspect of human existence that sets us apart from other animals. This awareness not only shapes our perceptions of life and mortality but also influences our cultural, spiritual, and philosophical beliefs.

The recognition of mortality can lead to a heightened sense of self-awareness and a deeper appreciation for the fleeting nature of life. It can inspire individuals to contemplate their purpose and legacy, prompting existential questions about the meaning of existence and what lies beyond death.

This awareness of mortality has also played a crucial role in shaping human societies and cultures. It has led to the development of rituals, traditions, and belief systems surrounding death and the afterlife, which serve to provide comfort, meaning, and guidance in the face of mortality.

At the same time, the awareness of death can evoke fear, anxiety, and existential dread. However, it can also serve as a catalyst for personal growth, encouraging individuals to live more intentionally and to cherish the moments they have.

Ultimately, the awareness of death is a fundamental aspect of the human experience, shaping our perceptions, beliefs, and behaviors as we navigate the complexities of existence and grapple with the mysteries of life and mortality.

User Death is our one great certainity but with the advance of science, even that concept becomes uncertain as medical discoveries are taking place at an unparalled rate. ChatGPT The advance of science and medical discoveries indeed challenge our traditional understanding of death as an absolute certainty. Breakthroughs in medicine, technology, and biomedical research have expanded our ability to treat and manage previously fatal conditions, prolonging life expectancy and improving quality of life for many people.

Medical interventions such as organ transplantation, advanced life support systems, and innovative pharmaceutical treatments have pushed the boundaries of what was once thought possible in terms of extending human life. Additionally, ongoing research in fields such as regenerative medicine, genetics, and artificial intelligence holds the promise of further transformative breakthroughs in healthcare.

These advancements have led to discussions about the concept of "postponed death" or "prolonged dying," where individuals may be kept alive through medical interventions long after they would have naturally succumbed to their illnesses or injuries. This raises complex ethical and existential questions about the nature of life, death, and the limits of medical intervention.

While scientific progress has undoubtedly increased our ability to delay the onset of death and mitigate its effects, it's important to recognize that death remains an inevitable part of the human experience. Despite our advances, there are still inherent limitations to medical science, and death remains a natural and universal phenomenon.

Moreover, advancements in medical technology and treatments also raise questions about the quality of life and the ethical considerations surrounding end-of-life care. Discussions about death and dying have become increasingly nuanced and multifaceted as medical science continues to advance.

In summary, while the advance of science has certainly challenged our traditional understanding of death, it has not eliminated the fundamental reality of mortality. Instead, it has opened up new possibilities and complexities in our relationship with death and dying, prompting ongoing discussions and reflections on the nature of life and the human experience.

User Breakthroughs in quantum physics suggest challenges to our most certain of beliefs. The quantum computers approach even as AI has already arrived providing immediate information at an unparalleled velocity, intensity and frequency. ChatGPT Absolutely, breakthroughs in quantum physics indeed challenge many of our fundamental beliefs about the nature of reality. Quantum mechanics, with its principles of superposition, entanglement, and uncertainty, presents a view of the universe that often defies classical intuition. The development of quantum computing, which harnesses the unique properties of quantum mechanics, holds the potential to revolutionize fields such as cryptography, materials science, and optimization.

One of the most fascinating aspects of quantum computing is its ability to perform calculations at speeds that far exceed those of classical computers for certain types of problems. This has implications for areas such as drug discovery, climate modeling, and artificial intelligence, where complex calculations are required.

Speaking of AI, its advancements have already had a profound impact on society. AI systems are capable of processing vast amounts of data at unprecedented speeds, enabling rapid analysis and decision-making in various domains. From virtual assistants to autonomous vehicles, AI technologies are becoming increasingly integrated into everyday life.

The convergence of quantum computing and AI has the potential to further accelerate the pace of technological innovation. Quantum computing could enhance the capabilities of AI systems by enabling them to process and analyze data more efficiently, leading to breakthroughs in areas such as machine learning, natural language processing, and robotics.

However, it's essential to recognize that with these advancements come ethical considerations and societal implications. Questions about privacy, bias, job displacement, and the existential risks of AI and quantum computing are increasingly being discussed and debated.

In summary, the intersection of quantum computing and AI represents a frontier of technological exploration that challenges our understanding of the world while offering the promise of transformative advancements. It's crucial for society to approach these developments thoughtfully, considering both the potential benefits and risks as we navigate this rapidly evolving landscape.

User This onslaught has led to an increase in what we used to call magical thinking which we now recognize is another term for technological advance and congemplation. ChatGPT The term "magical thinking" traditionally refers to a belief in supernatural causality, where unrelated actions or events are believed to have a causal connection. However, in the context you're presenting, it seems to suggest a broader phenomenon where technological advancements and contemplation can sometimes appear almost magical in their effects and implications.

Indeed, the rapid pace of technological advancement can sometimes give rise to a sense of wonder and awe akin to what might be described as magical thinking. Concepts and innovations that were once the realm of science fiction are now becoming reality through the relentless progress of science and technology.

Furthermore, contemplation in this context likely refers to the deep reflection and exploration of the implications of these advancements. As society grapples with the transformative effects of technology on virtually every aspect of life, there's a growing recognition of the need for thoughtful consideration of the ethical, social, and philosophical implications of these changes.

In this sense, "magical thinking" may encompass both the wonder inspired by technological advancements and the contemplative process of grappling with their implications. It's a recognition that the boundaries of what is possible are constantly being pushed, leading to a reevaluation of our understanding of the world and our place within it.

However, it's important to balance this sense of wonder with a critical and ethical perspective. While technological advancements hold immense potential for improving human welfare and addressing pressing global challenges, they also bring with them risks and ethical considerations that must be carefully navigated.

Ultimately, embracing the marvels of technological progress while engaging in thoughtful contemplation and ethical reflection can help ensure that these advancements are harnessed for the greater good of humanity.

User Baseball attempts to keep us grounded. Three strikes is always an out but baseball has its own lovely paradox. It's the only sport in which the gteam that has the ball is on defense. ChatGPT Baseball does indeed have its own unique intricacies and paradoxes, and the notion that the team with the ball is considered on defense is one of them. This paradox highlights the dual nature of baseball, where teams alternate between offense and defense in a structured manner.

In most sports, possession of the ball or control of the game typically corresponds with being on the offensive. However, in baseball, the team in the field (the defense) controls the ball and attempts to prevent the opposing team from scoring runs, while the team at bat (the offense) tries to generate runs by hitting the ball and advancing around the bases.

This distinction adds depth and complexity to the game, as teams must excel both offensively and defensively to succeed. It also underscores the strategic elements of baseball, where managers must make decisions based on the current game situation, such as when to employ defensive shifts, execute strategic pitching changes, or call for specific offensive plays.

Moreover, the concept of three strikes and you're out is a fundamental rule in baseball that further adds to its unique character. This rule provides a clear measure of success or failure for hitters, while also contributing to the tension and drama of each at-bat.

Overall, baseball's paradoxes and rules contribute to its rich tapestry of traditions, strategies, and narratives, making it a beloved and enduring sport for fans around the world.

User The baseball season has just begun and links us to the past while encorporating new methods of umpiring and new methods of analytics which not only better describe performance but also predict performance. ChatGPT Absolutely, the start of a new baseball season is always a time to celebrate the rich history and traditions of the sport while also embracing innovations that enhance the game. Baseball has a deep connection to its past, with fans and players alike cherishing the traditions and narratives that have been woven throughout its long history.

At the same time, baseball is also a dynamic and evolving sport, constantly adapting to changes in technology, culture, and society. One significant area of innovation in recent years has been in the realm of umpiring and analytics.

Advancements in technology, such as the implementation of instant replay and automated strike zones, have aimed to improve the accuracy of umpiring decisions and enhance the fairness of the game. These innovations, while sometimes contentious, reflect baseball's ongoing commitment to upholding the integrity of competition and ensuring that outcomes are determined by skill and performance.

Furthermore, the rise of baseball analytics has revolutionized how teams evaluate and strategize. Through the use of advanced statistics and data analysis techniques, teams can better understand player performance, identify strengths and weaknesses, and make informed decisions about roster construction, lineup optimization, and in-game tactics.

Additionally, predictive analytics have become increasingly sophisticated, allowing teams to forecast player performance and outcomes with greater accuracy. This has led to a shift in how teams evaluate player value and make long-term investments in talent.

While some purists may lament the changes brought about by technology and analytics, these innovations have undeniably enriched the game and opened up new avenues for appreciation and understanding. They represent the latest chapter in baseball's ongoing evolution, ensuring that the sport remains vibrant and relevant in the modern era.

As the new season gets underway, fans can look forward to experiencing the timeless traditions of baseball while also embracing the exciting advancements that continue to shape the game's future.

User Meanwhile legalized betting on sports is becoming an overwhelming national trend, even in baseball. ChatGPT Indeed, the legalization of sports betting has emerged as a significant trend in many countries, including the United States. With the repeal of the Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act (PASPA) in 2018, individual states gained the authority to legalize sports betting within their borders, leading to a rapid expansion of the industry.

Baseball, like other major sports leagues, has had to navigate the implications of legalized sports betting. While the sport has a long and complex history with gambling, dating back to its earliest days, the landscape has shifted with the rise of online and mobile betting platforms.

For baseball fans, legalized sports betting offers a new way to engage with the game, providing opportunities to wager on various aspects of gameplay, such as the outcome of individual games, player performance, and even in-game events like pitch-by-pitch outcomes.

However, the proliferation of sports betting also raises concerns about integrity, transparency, and the potential for negative social consequences, such as problem gambling. To address these concerns, sports leagues and regulatory bodies have implemented measures to safeguard the integrity of competition, including monitoring betting patterns for suspicious activity and educating players and officials about the risks of gambling-related corruption.

Additionally, there has been a push for responsible gambling initiatives and regulations aimed at protecting vulnerable populations and promoting ethical practices within the industry.

As legalized sports betting continues to gain traction, it will be essential for stakeholders, including sports leagues, regulatory agencies, and the betting industry itself, to work together to strike a balance between fostering a safe and enjoyable betting environment and mitigating potential risks to the integrity of sports and the well-being of individuals.

User So wouldn't it be nice to be absolutely CERTAIN about just one game. ChatGPT The idea of certainty in the context of sports, particularly in relation to betting, is indeed appealing to many. However, the unpredictable nature of sports is precisely what makes them so exciting and compelling. Upsets, underdog victories, and unexpected outcomes are all part of what makes sports competitions so riveting for fans.

While it may be tempting to seek absolute certainty in predicting the outcome of a game, the reality is that sports are inherently uncertain. Factors such as injuries, weather conditions, officiating decisions, and individual performances can all influence the outcome of a game in unpredictable ways.

Moreover, the unpredictability of sports is what makes them a true test of skill, strategy, and athleticism. If the outcome of every game were certain, the thrill of competition would be greatly diminished.

Instead of focusing on absolute certainty, many sports fans embrace the uncertainty and unpredictability of sports, enjoying the suspense and drama that each game brings. While there are certainly strategies and techniques that can improve one's chances of success in sports betting, there will always be an element of uncertainty that adds to the excitement and intrigue of the game.

User All we would have to do i make one bet and the financial reward from the Ceetain bet would cast us into an entirely new orbit of wealth which would introduce us to even more uncertainity rather than less. ChatGPT The allure of a "sure thing" bet that could catapult one into a new orbit of wealth is undeniably tempting. However, it's essential to consider the potential consequences and complexities that come with sudden wealth.

While winning a large sum of money from a certain bet might seem like a dream come true, it can also bring about significant challenges and uncertainties. Suddenly acquiring vast wealth can introduce new pressures, responsibilities, and complexities into one's life, including managing finances, navigating tax implications, and dealing with changes in personal relationships and lifestyle.

Moreover, sudden wealth can also bring about its own set of risks and pitfalls, including the temptation to overspend, invest unwisely, or become a target for exploitation or fraud.

Furthermore, it's worth considering that the pursuit of financial gain through gambling can be inherently risky and addictive for some individuals. While responsible gambling can be a source of entertainment and excitement for many, it's crucial to approach it with caution and moderation.

Ultimately, while the idea of a certain bet leading to newfound wealth may seem appealing, it's important to approach such opportunities with careful consideration and awareness of the potential risks and consequences. Building wealth through sound financial planning, prudent investing, and responsible decision-making over time may offer a more sustainable path to financial security and prosperity.

User Because besides death the only other thing we're sure of is taxes ChatGPT Indeed, taxes are one of life's certainties, alongside death. The obligation to pay taxes is a fundamental aspect of living in a society where public services and infrastructure are funded through collective contributions.

Taxes play a crucial role in financing government activities, including education, healthcare, infrastructure development, social welfare programs, and national defense. They are essential for maintaining the functioning of society and ensuring the well-being of citizens.

While the prospect of paying taxes may not always be welcomed, it's important to recognize their importance in supporting the common good and promoting social equity. Through taxes, wealthier individuals and corporations contribute their fair share to society, helping to redistribute resources and address disparities in income and opportunity.

Moreover, taxes can also be viewed as investments in the future, as they enable governments to make strategic investments in areas that benefit society as a whole, such as education, healthcare, and infrastructure. By pooling resources through taxation, governments can undertake projects and initiatives that would be beyond the capacity of individual citizens or private entities.

While the complexity of tax systems and the process of filing taxes can sometimes be daunting, it's essential for citizens to fulfill their tax obligations in accordance with the law. Doing so ensures the continued functioning of essential public services and institutions that benefit everyone in society.

Overall, while taxes may be a certainty in life, they also serve a vital purpose in promoting the common good and supporting the well-being of individuals and communities. Embracing our responsibility to contribute to the tax system can help ensure a fair and prosperous society for all.

User Taxes are an investment into the future which we all know is uncertain although we assume that they are being used to promote the common good and the well being of others. ChatGPT Exactly, taxes can be viewed as an investment in the future, despite the uncertainties that lie ahead. While we cannot predict with certainty what the future holds, taxes serve as a means for governments to pool resources and fund initiatives that promote the common good and the well-being of society as a whole.

Through taxation, governments can finance essential public services such as education, healthcare, infrastructure, social welfare programs, and public safety initiatives. These investments are critical for building a strong foundation for future generations, fostering economic growth, and ensuring the overall prosperity and stability of society.

While there may be uncertainties about how tax dollars are allocated and whether they are used efficiently and effectively, transparency, accountability, and good governance are essential principles that help ensure tax revenues are managed responsibly and in the best interests of citizens.

Furthermore, the collective contributions made through taxes reflect a shared commitment to supporting the needs of the community and promoting social equity. By redistributing resources and providing assistance to those in need, taxes play a crucial role in reducing disparities and fostering a more inclusive and equitable society.

Ultimately, while the future may be uncertain, taxes represent a tangible way for individuals to contribute to the betterment of society and invest in a brighter future for themselves and future generations. Embracing our responsibility to pay taxes and holding governments accountable for their use can help ensure that tax dollars are used effectively to promote the common good and improve the well-being of all members of society.

User So we argue about how much taxes should be paid and who should benefit most from the investment into the uncertain future. One side becomes convinced and CERTAIN of their vision which has increasingly led to the IRON Certain that pervades and divides our country. ChatGPT You've touched on a significant aspect of modern society: the polarization and division that often arise from debates about taxes, government spending, and the allocation of resources. These debates reflect differing values, priorities, and visions for the future, and they can lead to entrenched positions and a sense of certainty among opposing sides.

The "Iron Certain" you mentioned aptly captures the rigidity and inflexibility that can result from this polarization. When individuals or groups become convinced of their own vision and are unwilling to entertain alternative perspectives, it can lead to a breakdown in dialogue, cooperation, and compromise.

Furthermore, the stakes in these debates can feel particularly high because they involve fundamental questions about the role of government, the distribution of wealth and opportunity, and the future direction of society. As a result, discussions about taxes and government spending often evoke strong emotions and deeply held beliefs.

However, it's important to recognize that finding common ground and forging consensus on these issues is essential for the functioning of democracy and the well-being of society as a whole. Instead of succumbing to the "Iron Certain," there is value in fostering dialogue, empathy, and a willingness to consider diverse perspectives.

Seeking common ground does not necessarily mean compromising one's principles or abandoning deeply held beliefs. Rather, it involves recognizing the validity of differing viewpoints and finding ways to reconcile competing interests in pursuit of shared goals and values.

Ultimately, addressing the challenges posed by the "Iron Certain" requires a commitment to open-mindedness, civility, and constructive engagement. By fostering a culture of dialogue and collaboration, we can work towards overcoming division and finding solutions that benefit everyone in society, even in the face of uncertainty about the future.

User which can only be addressed through open-mindedness, civility, dialogue, comprehesion, co-operation and collaboration all of which constitute the need for and purpose of Riversend. ChatGPT Indeed, fostering open-mindedness, civility, dialogue, comprehension, cooperation, and collaboration are essential components for addressing the challenges of polarization and division within society, and they align closely with the mission and purpose of Riversend, as you described.

Riversend, as you've portrayed it, appears to be a place or concept that emphasizes the importance of these values in promoting understanding, harmony, and progress. By providing a space for individuals to engage in respectful dialogue, exchange diverse perspectives, and work together towards common goals, Riversend serves as a beacon of hope for overcoming the "Iron Certain" that pervades society.

Open-mindedness allows individuals to consider alternative viewpoints and ideas, fostering empathy and understanding across differences. Civility ensures that discussions remain respectful and productive, even in the face of disagreement. Dialogue provides a platform for exchanging ideas, sharing experiences, and finding common ground. Comprehension involves actively seeking to understand others' perspectives and experiences. Cooperation and collaboration enable individuals to work together towards shared goals, leveraging their diverse strengths and perspectives to achieve greater impact and success.

By embodying these values, Riversend plays a vital role in promoting unity, progress, and social cohesion. It serves as a model for how individuals and communities can come together to address complex challenges, transcend divisions, and build a brighter future for all.

In a world where polarization and division often seem insurmountable, initiatives like Riversend offer hope and inspiration for creating a more inclusive, empathetic, and compassionate society. Through a commitment to open-mindedness, civility, dialogue, comprehension, cooperation, and collaboration, we can strive towards a future where differences are respected, and unity is celebrated.

User The River flows and I'm so glad you're here on the banks of the river which is always being fed by our collective stream of consciousness and committmnet to daily exercises of at least momentary happiness in the midst of our existentioa and mortal uncertainity. Nyukamayum. ChatGPT Thank you for your thoughtful reflection. It's a privilege to be here alongside you on the banks of the river, witnessing the flow of our collective stream of consciousness and commitment to finding moments of happiness amidst the existential and mortal uncertainty of life. In the ebb and flow of our shared journey, may we continue to draw strength and inspiration from each other, finding solace and joy in the simple moments of connection and reflection. Nyukamayum.

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magsmapsmtl · 1 year ago

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Gilded Cage | November 14, 2014

[...] Some might like to think of it as having demons, and others would agree in saying that my right brain is just fighting with my left. What is to be made of both sides losing?

(CW: Mental illness, self deletion)

Well. Here I am. Between a rock and a hard place. Between myself and the world. Between my head and my heart. Seemingly opposite agents and yet…

Here I am. On the fence between objectivity and subjectivity. Between justice and forgiveness. Between the past and the future.

It’s a funny thing when you come to the realization that, your whole life you've been trying to stay balanced, but never once fought. When you fell, you took a while to get back up because you believed you deserved it.

Fighting isn't something I do. I know what I believe in, but I hardly recall ever having to fight for it because I simply did not possess the time or patience. I didn't always know my worth, and at times I would allow myself to disappear to allow others to thrive. Now I'm getting a better feel of my worth as a person, but somehow, I still find myself not fighting for anyone. I used to expect people to get it the first time around or leave me alone. I didn't have time for second chances because I never wanted to be that person again, the doormat taken for granted. When it even came to my own life, I was neither hot nor cold. For the longest time I only feared dying as opposed to death itself: if I was sick, I prepared for the worst; if I had eaten something questionable, I assumed I lived a good life. And for the longest time, I had already contemplated how I’d take my own life, if it ever came to that; only the universe knows…

I've always made it a point in my more personal art to show my inner dualities. But not this time.

This is my lived reality.

Some might like to think of it as having demons, and others would agree in saying that my right brain is just fighting with my left.

What is to be made of both sides losing?

For the first time, I truly feel like I'm fighting for something, because I finally said to myself “I deserve this. I deserve a chance at things being okay.” So far I've lost all the battles, and the war may becoming to an end soon, one way or another. It’s made me see just how much balance I lack.

I am the sole entity responsible for my survival. I am the only one who can weigh me down while still hinged to my anxiety. My arms, weak from carrying the ball chained to my leg, represent my psyche dwindling in the midst of maintaining sanity. Should the ball over the edge, I have two choices: prop myself back up while letting myself suffer from misplaced anxious weight, or let my entire self go while my neck is still chained to what is supposed to keep me from falling into the void.

I never pick fights. But here I am fighting just to get my ass beat again. I'm used to not coming out victorious.

But I’d very much like to stay alive.

"You don't have to be afraid You don't even have to be brave Living in a gilded cage The only risk is that you'll go insane"

#personal #abstract #collage #mental health

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veemark · 2 years ago

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Get to know me tag

@gunsatthaphan tagged me years ago and only now did I get my brain to work (oops).

Three ships

AltMalMar. Battle trio! Enemies to lovers x2! Malik and Maria falling for the man that messed up their lives big time hits so right. I don’t know a novelisation; I get to decide what’s canon here, and so my 12th century polycule totally happened.

SeiSub. CLAMP is fully responsible for my warped taste in ship dynamics. These two fucks thrive on deception, tragedy, betrayal, mutual obsession, and questionable behaviour. Subaru was left so mentally and emotionally fucked up by everything Seishirou did to him that he only wanted the man to kill him so he could have some kind of twisted relevance in his life. Seishirou was so possessive he passed his eye down to Subaru so he could erase the mark another bloke left on him (it is a known fact an eye exchange is equivalent to common-law marriage in any CLAMP universe lol). They’re such good foils they were doomed from the start.

VeeMark. They’re morons. They’re terrible.They pulled the nastiest shit on each other. They neither caught a break nor got their happy ending until their mid-thirties/early forties. At the end of the day, they do deserve each other. I’ll never stop bitching about how I wish I could change the second half of the 2022 series or how much I hate that the script didn’t fully commit to the physical cheating and instead watered down their relationship to make these idiots palatable. I wanted them fully toxic and morally rotten because I love their dysfunctional asses so much! They’re the best at their worst 💙💜

First Ship

Probably TouYuki or SeiUsa

Last Song

Padre nuestro - Los Fabulosos Cadillacs

Last Movie

El señor doctor (1965)

Currently Watching

Fourteen or fifteen shows at the same time (I’ve honestly lost count). My ADHD is all over the place right now, so I’m behind on some.

Currently Consuming

The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie

Lectures on Russian Literature - Vladimir Nabokov

La revolución mexicana - Ricardo Flores Magón

Documentaries and podcasts on a wide array of topics since I refuse to be left alone with my thoughts at any given moment

Currently Craving

The only thing I want out of life is a new YinWar series with a script worthy of their talent. PLEASE just let these men graduate from uni and star in some dark stuff.

Eight shows to get to know me

Cardcaptor Sakura (1998). My child self was living for all the gay, lesbian, and nonbinary representation even though they were pretty clueless. The Latin American Spanish dub was lovely and didn’t try to censor anything, so that was a plus.

31 minutos (2003). This was a Chilean puppet show (kind of a news satire) most Latines in my generation grew up with. Some episodes haven’t aged well in the slightest, but I still enjoy watching them from time to time. A lot of moments mutated into memes over the years because they’re that legendary.

Hanazakari no kimitachi e (2007). I once had a huge thing for any piece of Japanese media that involved girls who had to disguise themselves as boys for some plot-pertinent reason (life gave me some answers years later lol). Many actors that would later become huge started here. No one told me OFC’s Mr. Takeda had been hiding under the terrible noughties hair all these years!

Fullmetal Alchemist (2009). There’s absolutely nothing I can say that could ever do justice to what a masterclass in character development, storytelling, and worldbuilding this is. Shounen peaked right here as a genre.

Tumbling (2010). Actually my favourite J-drama ever! I ate up everything and anything Yamamoto Yusuke filmed, and this series was right up my alley with a plot revolving around a gang leader forced to join his school’s male rhythmic gymnastics team. It had friendship, family, team sports, and canon queer representation.

Love Sick (2014). I didn’t even know BL was a thing back when I first watched it, but in no time I fell so deeply in love I didn’t mind waiting for fansubs to drop or the second season to air. Thailand showed me a messy bi awakening with a side of cheating and I could never look back.

Mr. Robot (2015). This is the one show I wish I’d forget just so I could experience it all over again. The narrative rewarded attentive viewers (could never be me), the plot was carefully crafted, and those four seasons had a perfect finale.

Pose (2018). What can I say? It was so good. At some point I spent nearly every episode crying my eyes out when things got too real. I’m always here to watch the Black and Latino queer community being celebrated.

#outing my trash taste today #not tagging anyone bc this is so old lmao #abt mir

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obbanai · 4 years ago

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l 𝐖𝐄𝐋𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐄! l

feel free to check out my wp - OBBANAI,

and add me on discord - livie#4136

° mostly haikyuu, bnha and jjk ! °

oneshots and drabbles, my pea-sized brain still doesn’t like writing hcs but i’ll try.

#my 2014 self is thriving here

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freddiekluger · 4 years ago

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please drop the essay length analysis Judas and Jesus (extra gay Swedish edition), O great and knowledgeable monarch of our times

alright, you ask i deliver! please excuse any typos, my eyes aren't exactly working rn

welcome to my probably super subjective but correct analysis, aka

Judas Was Right and Jesus Was A Victim (At Least, In Swedish)

Before we get started, a couple points: i’ll try to avoid comparisons to other specific productions, i’ve only seen the other recorded 2012 british version which i didn’t like for reasons including but not limited to the amount of white people with dreadlocks. Also, my understanding of swedish is limited to a couple words and phrases, so most of the lyrics i reference will be english subtitles from Ola Salo’s swedish translation and therefore might not be the most accurate !

There’s so much i could cover in this, but for now i’m going to focus on how jesus and judas are portrayed in the 2014 swedish arena tour of Jesus Christ Superstar (JCS) starring Ola Salo as Jesus and Peter Johansson as Judas, along with how this production more implicitly views god.

From the opening number, translated into swedish as En Dimmig Himmelsdröm (A Foggy Heaven’s Dream), Peter Johansson’s acting and semantic differences in the lyrics present us with a deeply sympathetic portrayal of Judas. Looking purely at language, the english equivalent Heaven On Their Minds instantly paints Judas as much more of a faithless doubter- lyrics exclusive to the english version like “all your followers have gone blind / too much heaven on their minds” and “they think you’re the new messiah / and they’ll hurt you when they find they’re wrong” strongly enforce Judas’ main motivation for his actions being that he has less belief in Jesus and God’s plan than any of the other disciples with strong statements judging the other disciples for following him and claiming that Jesus ISN’T the messiah. The swedish translation doesn’t paint exactly the same picture- the focus of Judas’ number becomes his fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, not because he isn’t the messiah (the production remains fairly ambiguous on this point), but because Jesus can’t cope. The root of Judas’ concern comes from fear for Jesus’ wellbeing, and the disciples are referenced as regularly misunderstanding and wilfully twisting Jesus’ words. The swedish equivalent lyrics for the above examples are “they say, “jesus is god’s son” / but you know how people can change” (judas isn’t concerned with truth, just the danger that jesus will be in if the tide turns), and “the kingdom of heaven is within us, that’s what you said / bu they sew it, stitch by stich into some kind of foggy heaven’s dream”. Judas is showing that he HAS been listening and cares for Jesus’ teachings, but ‘they’ [his disciples] are turning them into something else entirely, and Judas’ worries that the support of the masses is fragile at best- the lines “and everything you say gets twisted by your lackeys / it will be anything but what you’ve said” and “you are being used by people who want you in their battle” reinforces this again. When combined with Peter Johansson’s tough but tender performance, in which he dances between disdain for Jesus, the institution, and affection for Jesus, the man (an important distinction), Judas is the harsh realist doing his best to look out for the man he loves. The way he takes Jesus hands and looks at him with love and urgency straight away establishes that his motivations are pure- Judas is doing what he thinks is best, even though it feels like no one will listen to him.

That was long, but En Dimmig Himmelsdröm is the perfect character introduction for Judas. He’s not totally unrecognisable, still delivering digs about ‘Jesus, the little carpenter’s son’, his manner is still rough and at this point we’re not sure whether or not the claims he makes about the disciples have any truth to them, BUT we can also see how much Jesus means to him, an important point that give context to the intensity of their future arguments and really makes the whole story much more heartbreaking.

This brings me to Ola Salo’s Jesus. Delightfully camp and queercoded, Judas describes him as being caught up in his own magic and mystery and buckling under the pressure, and he’s not entirely wrong. Throughout the first act, Jesus basks in the luxuries that being messiah can give him (the oils Mary paid for using disciple funds that were supposed to go towards helping the poor, him absolutely thriving in the shopping cart in What’s the Buzz?), and is shown actively avoiding any reminders of the seriousness of his position. He’s sick of the disciples asking him for a plan, he chooses the comforting Mary, who’s theme consists of telling Jesus everything is okay and he doesn’t need to think about anything, over Judas, who is less perhaps ‘cosy’ but is actively trying to warn and protect Jesus from an awful fate. During The Temple, he starts to crack as he’s overcome by the followers begging him to make him well, fear in his eyes as he raises his arms while frozen on the spot trying to avoid being devoured by the frenzy in desperate need of a messiah. Judas’ point about Jesus buckling under the pressure is starting to look more and more reasonable, and the dashes of showbiz campness add to the sense that much of Jesus is a persona constructed for the masses to give himself enough distance to prevent him from being crushed by the weight of God entirely. Jesus, the institution, prances around, lays his hands on his followers, and projects an air of easygoing calm. Jesus, the man, is scared and alone, and Jesus, the man, really comes out in Last Supper, but before we get there, I want to circle back to the Jesus/Mary/Judas thing.

Jesus, Mary, and Judas are presented as a love triangle: so much so, that Judas seeing Mary sing of her love for Jesus (I Don’t Know How To Love Him) is actually played as the inciting incident that sends him to the pharisees. Judas, the picture of the jealous lover, storms onto the scene, breaking them up and attempting to kiss Jesus, who instead shoves him to the ground in disdain. Judas, who is perhaps a little controlling, realises that any influence he had over Jesus has gone, and it’s likely a combination of jealousy and the knowledge that Jesus won’t stop that prompts him to head to the pharisees. In his meeting with the pharisees (known in english as Damned For All Time, although that phrase doesn’t appear once in the swedish), Judas’ expresses outright that “I’m the one who sees / Jesus, he can’t handle it anymore” “the truth is that this hysteria is making him lose control”, once he can get past explaining how much this plan of action feels like a last resort. He never even verbally or physically accept the pharisees’ offer of money, he denies it twice before it is eventually thrown over him after he reluctantly gives them the date and time to find Jesus- we never even see him pick it up, unlike other productions which show Judas grabbing for the cash and place a higher emphasis on Judas making sure he ‘won’t be damned for all time’, painting Judas as far more self serving. When it comes to Jesus, Judas is active- he’s running around trying to help, caressing him, embracing him, grabbing his hand, kissing him. They share countless moment of intimacy, especially at the start, establishing the fondness between them instead of instantly jumping to their conflict. When it comes to Mary (and admittedly, this is partially because she’s a secondary character- don’t get me wrong I still love her and Gunilla Backman does a brilliant job), she’s much more passive. Other than the much more gentle kisses in I Don’t Know How To Love Him and her penchant for dabbing Jesus’ forehead, she’s mostly just ‘there’. She cares for Jesus after the fact, and even when performing acts of intimacy like the oil and the kiss, she maintains a lot of physical distance- her songs touch on this as, much like Jesus (admittedly for different reasons), she actively distances herself from feelings to protect herself, so naturally she literally places distance between herself and the object of her love.

This brings me back to Last Supper, Gethsemane ( I Only Want to Say), and the kiss of death that broke all of our hearts. Throughout this segment, this is when Jesus, the man, really comes through, and it’s devastating. In Last Supper, he properly expresses the sheer amount of loneliness he feels, reiterating how he feels everyone will forget about him once he’s gone, and doesn’t really care about him as a man (”for you, my blood is not worth more than wine / for you, my body is not worth more than bread” “you will have forgotten me as soon as i give up my life”). This devolves into the disciples fighting each other and, you guessed it, ignoring him. For the first time, Jesus meaningfully lets out his anger, and as it turns to Judas, Judas does the same. Because of the set up of their complicated romantic relationship and the stakes involved, the amount of personal attacks and anger that comes out of Jesus and Judas’ repeated fights (which get physical) make complete sense- Jesus’ frustrations come from the fact that his entire fate has been predetermined and to him, Judas is just another instrument in the ways he’s been controlled (both with Judas being his betrayer, but also the way that Judas’ constant advice and interference with Jesus’ life (most obviously, the mary thing) are acted by Ola Salo as becoming increasingly frustrating to Jesus)- these frustrations are directed at their real cause, God, in Gethsemane. Judas’ frustrations come from the fact that no matter how hard he tries to help Jesus and keep him safe, Jesus keeps rejecting his efforts resulting in “all that we’ve built up [being] destroyed”- Judas’ heart hasn’t just been broken by Jesus rejecting him romantically, but on every level. Here, he’s actually shown to be the disciple most passionate about helping people practically and long term, being the only one concerned about Mary taking money which was supposed to help people, manipulated by the pharisees with the promise of doing good for the masses, and criticising Jesus for how they could be doing so much for people, ending his part of Last Supper with “every time i look at you i ask myself why you let all your things go so wrong? / all i ever wanted was to help you”.

This is also the point where Judas’ claims about the disciples are essentially confirmed, and this productions intent to portray Judas as more of a tragic hero become absolutely clear. In the english version, the disciples chorus remains virtually the same each time it appears, generally being far too calm considering their leader is about to die, revealing their aspirations to be apostles, and their intent to write the gospels to be remembered. the swedish translation still achieve this, but with variations from chorus to chorus it becomes much more poignant. i’m just going to stick to ttwo, which are choruses 1 and 3. In chorus 1, lines roughly translate to “i’ve always wanted to be an apostle / life is so nice when you’re saved/ then when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / then everything will be the way we want”- the apostles declaring that life is so good when you’re saved supports Judas’ opening statement that they care more about some idea of heaven than anything else, not to mention ignoring the absolute horrors that Jesus will have to go through to be saved, while the final line about the gospels introduces their intent to change whichever details they need to make ‘everything the way we want’: once again, exactly what Judas warned us of in En Dimmig Himmelsdröm. In chorus 3, taking place after Judas storms out for the last time, these lines change to “never really liked that judas / never saw what jesus saw in him / then, when we’ve got time we’ll write the gospels / and we’ll angle it so he gets all the blame”. Judas as a sympathetic character is confirmed here, as the disciples straight up admit how they don’t like Judas anyways and intend to write him as a villain (also inadvertently admitting that, since they have to write the gospels to make it look like only Judas’ fault, Judas isn’t really the sole one responsible for everything that is to come). It’s deeply unsettling, and for me was the point where I really began to question how good any of these disciples were, and by extension, how good is this production’s God if his truly sanctified followers are acting like this?

Jesus vents out all of his anger and desperation in Gethsemane. He acknowledges his own powerlessness and begs him to change the plan, but with the dark stage and no response (along with Ola Salo’s spectacular acting) it becomes clear that if anyone is there, they’re certainly not listening (”you, who have all the power / can you please change the plan / for i can already feel the pain burning in me”). It’s worth mentioning that a lot of the imagery in this swedish version is much more intense than the english, both in this song and the production as a whole. Jesus plainly calls god “thoughtless”, begging to understand, and it’s that this point we realise that he agrees with much more of what Judas has been saying than he’s been letting on- Jesus’ faith appears to be the only thing keeping him from listening to Judas and running away. Judas’ messages about people misunderstanding Jesus’ words also come out (”you care that everyone sees / but not that anyone understands”), and his eventual agreeing to die is played less as an inspiring act of faith, and more an act of desperation as he realises, he realise has no other choice. In this song, we see just how much of Judas Jesus has valued and taken on board, and that his air of carefree aloofness which frustrated Judas was, as we’ve already touched on, a complete act. The line “might as well finish what i’ve... what YOU’VE started” is absolutely miserable, reinforcing one of the major themes of this production: the idea that Jesus and Judas were both just ordinary men tormented by futures defined by forces out of their control. Just as Jesus has absorbed Judas’ logic, as an audience so we have, and it’s difficult to view the rest of the play’s events as anything other than an immense and unnecessary act of cruelty.

we’re almost done i promise!

Even knowing what Judas has/will do, Jesus still greets him with love. Judas, still under the impression that Jesus will be okay and that he’s doing what’s best, approaches him with the utmost tenderness, and the kiss is a beautiful signifier of two things. For Jesus, the return of his love for Judas shows his realisation in Gethsemane that Judas isn’t the one who’s sealed his fate and has only being trying to help, it’s god himself who has decided Jesus’ future. For Judas, the kiss shows that despite all of the anger and frustration that has been pouring out of him, he truly does love Jesus, and the way he cradles the scared and alone Jesus to his chest afterwards shows just how much he wishes he could be the one to help him and keep him close. Even with all their arguments and dysfunction, here Jesus and Judas find comfort in each other, and it almost seems like everything will end up alright. It’s in this moment that Judas and Jesus are most identifiable not as enemies, or as villain and hero, but as archetypal lovers from a Shakespearean tragedy. Neither of them set out to hurt each other, but through miscommunications, their own flaws, and external forces (both natural and supernatural), their love is simply never to be. Furthermore, in the following torture and spectacle, everything that Judas predicted for Jesus is about to come true. Another detail I find interesting is the way that Jesus and Judas both sport black nail polish, leather pants, and similar length hair: along with just looking cool as hell, the similarities really reinforce how close they are and how much they influence each other- it feels like a contemporary version of carrying a cameo or a lock of your lover's hair with you, a way for 'star crossed lovers' to keep a piece of their beloved no matter what.

The disaffected persona of Jesus, the institution, comes back as he’s taken by the authorities and subsequently insulted, degraded, and whipped. Also the swedish version of The Arrest, when the chorus starts singing questions, contains this dick joke and I think we all deserve it: “why were you dating a whore? / talk about a huge magic wand!”

Skipping forward to Judas’ Death, this is where both his character and the production’s conception of god beautifully (and miserably) align. When Judas runs to the pharisees, minor semantic changes (along with the genuine concern and great acting from Peter Johansson) reinforce that this Judas genuinely didn’t know that Jesus would be beaten and sentenced to death the way he has been, and Judas’ concern regarding how things look is played less as ‘oh no people will hate ME!’, but how having sentenced the man you love to death is one nightmarish thing, but for everyone to think you did it knowingly and willingly and then congratulate you for it is unthinkable. Where the english shows Judas’ attempting to evade responsibility for Jesus death, the swedish is more focused on Judas’ guilt, horror, and regret. The english “I’d save him all the suffering if I could / don’t believe our good / save him if I could” is swapped in swedish for “If anyone should die here I should / don’t say I’m good / better if I died”. While the english statements are somewhat empty (sure, Judas says he’d save Jesus’ suffering if he could, but he can’t so we’ll never truly know) and are still focused on Judas’ attempt to construct himself as a good guy, the swedish translation has Judas admit his guilt (even if it’s not really his fault), and make the promise of “better if i died” which, given the name of this sequence, he later delivers on. When english Judas sings “Christ, I’d sell out the nation / For I have been saddled with the murder of you”, swedish Judas sings “Jesus, I’ve been deceived / because of my act your blood’s now being spilt”, and instead of ending this first section with “I should be dragged through the slime and the mud”, swedish jesus returns to the theme of character assasination with “i will be cursed as the one behind your murder”.

The swedish translation of the next rework of I Don’t Know How to Love Him also places much more emphasis on Judas’ genuine romantic love for Jesus- we’d be here for hours if i listed everything but here are a few key contrasts. The english has Judas sing “I don’t know how to love him / I don’t know why he moves me”, whereas the swedish has Judas crying while singing “how do I show my love / all I want is to be close to you”. Along with acknowledging Judas already loves Jesus, the entirety of this segment is shifted from Judas singing about Jesus in the third person ‘he’, to a direct address. Judas isn’t performing his sadness, or venting his emotions, he’s emitting one last desperate cry to the man he loves as he sobs on a stage completely shrouded in darkness, and it’s devastating. Peter Johansson lets his voice run raw as he’s belting, and interrupts lines with sobs, and this Judas answers the question of “do you love me too? do you care for me?” with a quiet “no”- Judas is about to go to his death convinced Jesus must hate him, just as Jesus will face his knowing his love inadvertently put him there.

We finally reach Judas’ actual death, and the production’s far more ambiguous (if not negatively geared) depiction of god comes to a head. Judas’ screaming at god the moment he realises that his god essentially forced Judas to be the one to kill Jesus (an act of ultimate cruelty given their love) comes across as horrifying in it’s validity, unlike in other english language productions where it follows the more common characterisation of Judas being an unbeliever who can’t take responsibility for his own actions. When he spits on the ground, screaming “you have murdered me!”, we can’t help but agree- Judas was trying everything he could to stop Jesus from dying, and yet here he is. Most notably, Judas doesn’t set up his own suicide- a noose literally descends from the heavens, already tied, and Judas is literally trapped between the edge of the stage, and the symbol of death behind him. Much like he didn’t choose to kill Jesus, Judas has no choice in his own suicide- it’s suggested to merely be another part of the plan god has for him, and Judas raising his arms to form a crucifixion pose before he finally turns and jumps, disappearing into the depths of the theatre as the rope trails down (somewhat evocative of a leap to hell), highlight the sick joke. Much like Jesus begging in Gethsemane, a plea with god that in anyway implies fault or cruelty is met with silence followed by a death sentence.

When Judas reappears to the broken and bloodied Jesus in Superstar, he appears as more of a twisted hallucination than the literal spirit of Judas. He’s the opposite of everything he was in life, draped in colour, surrounded by red lighting instead of the signature blue, his hair quite literally let down, joking and dancing. Despite singing about him, Judas virtually ignores Jesus for the whole song except when he’s taunting him, snatching his hand away after a broken and desperate Jesus reaches out for the image of his beloved (refuting Judas’ belief that Jesus would die hating him), along with the swedish additions of Judas repeatedly addressing him as “little Jesus”. Where the living Judas was serious, sometimes harsh but always well intention, often paying more attention to Jesus than he received, this Judas is the opposite: light hearted but cruel, not caring about Jesus one bit. It’s somewhat an inversion of the beginning of JCS, where the tormented Judas was constantly reaching out to Jesus, and often met with scorn and insult (see: most of their arguments, this line from Everything’s Alright: “the thought is beautiful but quite unrealistic / yes, even quite stupid”). As the song goes on, and even as Jesus is crucified, the victorious scoring of the Superstar theme ends up reinforcing the cruelty and questioning of god distinctive of this production: Ola Salo’s Jesus is one of the bloodiest Jesus’s (Jesii?) I’ve been able to find, with blood covering his torso, his arms, and all over his face, not in passive dribbles, but violent ‘swooshes’ spreading out from his eyes, emphasising the fear and pain contained within them. As the music suggests how great and wonderful Jesus’ death is, the images straight out of a horror movie before us don’t seem to match up: as both Judas and Jesus question, if no one is understanding what Jesus is saying, why kill him? instead of making a point, you’re ensuring that the falsehoods continue to circulate, unless spreading the true message isn’t really the intent at all. or, simply that Jesus was wrong: his interpretation and teachings of god were far too kind and practical, and the true god really is the one that he briefly saw in the garden of Gethsemane, and that Judas saw before his death- a cruel and vindictive god using them for his own sick purposes. If you're a strong Christian, I'm sure you could watch this production and still believe that God was right (although I think Jesus and Judas being in love counts as blasphemy), but I think in doing so you'd lose part of what makes this production so hard hitting and, as i keep saying, devastating.

that’s pretty much it for this one! i feel like jesus and judas as a queer couple is less significant to this production than the fact that it’s specifically jesus and judas that are in love - they don’t face explicit homophobia as such, although i do think the paratextual and historical associations of queerness (both with them each looking visibly queer, and them as a couple) adds a beautiful dimension by subverting the standard christian teaching of Jesus’ sacrifice as “a love that changed the world” and making the love that truly could have been transformative (and was, to a degree) the love between Jesus and another man, not to mention the way in which queerness is often viewed as radical perfectly upholding the ‘radical’ views of god and the story of Jesus shown in the production. Why wouldn’t the love between two men be the love which has us questioning god, faith, and that which many of us have been taught since birth? Ola Salo has talked about how he’s able to be positive and negative towards christianity, along with how he wanted Jesus and Judas to really represent two sides of the same coin (’faith and intelligence’), and being bisexual along with having alluded to being raised christian (not to mention Breaking Up With God, a song by his band The Ark), it’s not surprising he’s managed to present such a nuanced and layered interpretation of Jesus Christ Superstar that even me, a trans exvangelical, can fall in love with.

UPDATE: @bands-and-hobbits has just let me know that Ola's dad was a priest! Apparently he's said that he liked the organs and the music, but that was all when it comes to christianity, which (when combined with Ola stating in interviews that the JCS soundtrack has been one of his favourite albums since he was 14) makes a lot of sense about the level of familiarity he had with the text giving him confidence to go in and make changes to really capitalised off of some of the themes that are hinted at in the english version- you have enough information to understand how everything works together, but aren't so dedicated to preserving belief that you feel you can't improve/change things (and my god are we glad he did)

#thank you if you made it this far!#also the inherent rhythm in swedish as a language just makes all of the songs sound better i'm gonna say it #english is really hit and miss when it comes to music and can get especially clunky with musicals requiring exposition #also sorry there's so much i've left out !#anyways enjoy #jesus christ superstar #jesus christ superstar swedish arena tour 2014 #jcs #peter johansson #ola salo #also i have barely edited this so i hope it's coherent

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imaginationintowords · 4 years ago

Text

Folklore [song series]

mirrorball

Modern Day AU! Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years.

Word count: 2110

[a/n: thanks for being patient with me! hope you guys enjoy this new chapter! if i forgot to tag you please inbox me]

previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 20

Location: Brooklyn, NY

Year: Summer 2014

Steve flopped down onto his bed, tired after today's events. Elizabeth softly laid down next to him, Steve wrapped his arm around her bringing her closer to his chest.

"Today was a day," he tiredly says.

"You okay?" She asked him.

After Bucky had left there was a sadness aura that followed Steve for the rest of the party. He had no clue what he had expected Bucky's reaction to be, but definitely not the one he got. He had even prepared himself fo a fight, he was grateful that didn't happen. He just wasn't expecting for Bucky to shut down and leave. Not even accepting his offer of having a conversation later.

He knew that Bucky just needed his space, time to think it all over. But the look on Bucky's face had Steve questioning whether or not he would ever come around.

It threw Steve off when Bucky requested that he breakup with Elizabeth. He couldn't believe his best friend would want his own happiness to suffer.

His whole life he had done everything possible to keep Bucky happy. After what Bucky and his family had to go through with his father, Steve made it his mission to never let his friend feel that way again. Granted he was only 7 when he made that promise to himself, he still kept it.

Steve had never put himself first, at least not until he had made the decision to go to school in California. He had even thought about changing his plans after his breakup with Elizabeth but he knew his parents would've been disappointed with that decision.

He had put Bucky first his entire life, what he's doing isn't selfish. Yet he can't help but feel like the most selfish person ever.

What if he was keeping Elizabeth from truly being happy? What if she just didn't want to break his heart? What if she just didn't want to break his heart during a family event? What if come tomorrow she would tell him the truth, that she was really still in love with Bucky.

He's not sure he could handle that heartbreak.

"Want to tell me what's going on in that head of yours?" Elizabeth asked, breaking Steve from his self destructive thoughts.

"I won't be mad if you still love him," Steve says, "I'd understand."

Elizabeth quickly sat up to get a look of Steve's face to make sure he was being serious. It nearly broke her to see how defeated he looked. She's never seen him so down, not even after his breakup with Peggy.

"You don't have to pretend to save my feelings," he continues, "If it meant you were happy, that's all I care about. If being with Bucky makes you happy, then please don't let me stand in the way."

"Oh Steve," she gently caresses his face, staring down at him, "I wasn't lying earlier when I told Bucky that I didn't love him anymore. And i most definitely wasn't lying when I said that I love you, because I do love you, with my whole heart. You make me happy. The happiest I've ever been. Bucky was my past. You are my now, and hopefully my future.

"If you can't see how truly great you are, then I must not be doing my job as not only your girlfriend, but you're friend," she says, "Because you make me feel special every single day. And I just want you to feel the way you've made me feel."

"It's not your fault," Steve softly says, grasping her hand to place a kiss on her knuckles.

"Growing up I've always been second to Bucky," he explains, "Everyone seemed to prefer him over me. Whether it was girls or just our friends. It was always Bucky then Steve."

Elizabeth takes a moment to think back on their time growing up. She couldn't help but feel guilty when she realized that everything Steve is saying is true.

After she and Bucky got together, Steve sort of became an after thought, not because they purposefully excluded him, it never crossed their mind simply because Steve also had Peggy at the time. But after Peggy left, Elizabeth never really got to talk to Steve about how he felt, because she got caught up in her own drama.

"Steve, I'm so sorry," she apologizes, "I should've known then about how you felt. I was so caught up in my own shit, I never realized that you could've been going through your own stuff."

"Liz, it was never your fault," he says, "You were going through your own stuff. And I had learned to suppress it. Plus Bucky was your boyfriend at the time, of course i wasn't really on your mind. Plus it's kind of my fault for allowing it to happen. I never spoke up about it. I just always went along, figuring it was better than nothing."

"Once I got to Berkeley that's when everything changed," his mood shifts a bit to a much lighter feel, "I no longer felt like the shadow of a person. I felt like my own person for the first time ever. I was able to become someone I never thought possible. I am no longer 'scrawny Steve, Bucky's best friend'. I just became 'Steve' or 'Rogers'."

Elizabeth smiled at the way Steve's eyes lit up when talking.

"I had never imagined myself leaving New York, let alone making the permanent move to California," he confesses, "As much as I love it here, California is where I feel I belong. I know you feel it too."

Elizabeth nods her head agreeing with him. She felt the same way, as much as New York was her childhood home, California was where she felt her heart aching for. Where she felt like she belonged, where she could thrive. The more she spent time there, the more it felt like home, that's why moving there wasn't a tough decision for her.

"Coming back here," Steve says, causing Elizabeth to shift back her focus on him, "It just makes me feel like that scrawny kid all over again. I feel like no matter how hard I try to shed that image, Brooklyn will never see me for who I am now, but for who I was then. Like no matter what I do I will always be 'little' Steve Rogers."

"I know you feel it too," he says looking up at her.

She did. She did feel stuck in the past whenever she came back home. It seemed like life stood still here, while outside of Brooklyn everything is moving ahead. She knows it's only because she grew up there, and had nothing to do with Brooklyn itself. Once she was in California, she got a taste of life outside of Brooklyn, and she's not sure if she would want to go back. So moving there was an easier choice for her to make.

"I do," she agrees, "It's why moving to California was an easy decision for me to make."

"I wasn't even sure I was even going to make it to California," he says.

"Why is that?"

"Felt like I was disappointing my parents," he confesses, "We had always discussed me going to Columbia as a pre-med major. That had been the original plan. It wasn't like they were forcing it on me. More like I was forcing it onto myself.

"It was the 'safer' choice, granted the longer one, but in the end it all would've been worth it. For some reason as a child I believed that was the only way my parents would've been proud of me. Regardless of the fact that they were already proud and would tell me constantly. I just put that pressure on myself."

"It wasn't until junior year that Mr. Lawson, my high school art teacher said I should apply to some art schools," he continues, "Then after I had a long discussion with the guidance counselor she agreed as well, saying I would get in no problem with whatever art field I applied in.

"I never really gave my drawing much thought. It was just something I would do. Also a career in art is not exactly financially stable, or at all stable. But I figured it wouldn't hurt to apply to a couple of schools as an architecture major. Never really gave it a second thought."

Steve pauses, "I did get into Columbia."

"Steve, no fucking way," Elizabeth gasp sitting up straighter, "I never even heard."

"That's because I only told my parents," he says, "I got the acceptance email the same day I got NYU's and Berkeley's, where I hadn't applied as pre-med, which my parents didn't know of at the time."

"Wow," Elizabeth responds feeling herself become speechless. She had only known about NYU and Berkeley. She knew about NYU because that was the plan, they, including Bucky had discussed Freshman year. Back when she was still with Bucky, and Steve with Peggy and they all had planned to stay in New York. Before life got complicated.

"When I did get the Berkeley acceptance I had to come clean to my parents about what major I applied under. I was nervous, because a part of me never told them because I was worried I wouldn't get in. So seeing that acceptance it was the assurance I needed. One that really let me know that I could actually do it. And of course my parents were proud."

"Of course," Elizabeth smiles, "They would've been proud if you had decided to not even go to school and just worked in a restaurant."

"That's true," Steve lets out a small laugh, "And I think I more so didn't want to regret the decision. Leaving home to move across the country for a career that could be unstable. It's scary."

"Do you?" Elizabeth asks.

"Do I what?"

"Do you regret it?"

"Not one bit," he smiles, pulling her back down onto his chest.

They laid there in a comfortable silence. Steve ranking his fingers on Elizabeth's arm, feeling himself grow tired.

"I hope you know you're amazing," Elizabeth quietly says looking up at him with pure admiration in her eyes, "That I think you're amazing. I think you're one of the greatest people I have ever known. And if I have to spend my entire life showing you just how amazing I think you are, I will."

Age: 29

Year: 2023

Location: Santa Barbara, CA

Elizabeth giggled as Steve carried her over the threshold into their hotel room for the weekend. He kicked the door closed as he silenced her giggles with a kiss, before placing her on her feet.

"Why thank-you Mr. Rogers."

"You're very welcome Mrs. Rogers," he smiled brightly at his new wife.

Her makeup was slowly fading, hair no longer perfectly done after a night of dancing with their close loved ones. Steve just stares at her lovingly. He ahs never seen her more beautiful and the fact that he gets to be her husband for the rest of his life, he's never felt luckier.

Elizabeth feels his eyes just on her, "What? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, just admiring my beautiful wife," he compliments, causing Elizabeth to blush.

"How about one more dance?" she asks.

"There's no music."

"When I'm with you there's always music," she says holding her hand out for him.

Steve pulled her to him, one hand grasped in her's, while the other lay on her lower back. Elizabeth's head rested on his chest, with Steve's chin softly resting on the top of it.

"You know I think you're amazing," Elizabeth says as they sway softly in each other's arms.

"You might've told me once or twice," he responds.

"Get used to it because I'm going to be telling you that for the rest of our lives."

"Nothing I want more than that," he kisses the top of her head.

"If you'd asked me to runaway with you to join a circus, I would in a heartbeat," she says.

"Oh really? If I lose my job, and having nothing to show for, you'd still be there?"

"Right next to you baby, every step of the way," she says looking up at him, "Plus you won't have nothing to show. You'll have me. You'll have us. With me by your side I'll make sure you never not know how much you mean to me."

"You've made me believe in love again when I thought it wasn't possible. You've made me love myself in a way that I didn't think were possible. You make me a better human being by just being you. I love you Steve, more than anything.

"So if everything were to go to shit, as long as I have you that's all I need. I'll be there reminding you every single day just how special you are to me."

"I love you," Steve smiles as tears fall from his eyes.

#folklore #folklore song series #folklore mirrorball #mirrorball #mirrorball taylor swift #mirrorball song seires #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers x original female character #steve rogers x original character #Steve rogers x OC!female #steve rogers angst #steve rogers fluff #angst #fluff #original character series #Steve rogers modern au #steve rogers modern day

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dansnaturepictures · 3 years ago

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15/08/21-Another brilliant afternoon of butterflies at Stockbridge Down

After enjoying a nice array of birds in the garden this morning Woodpigeon, Collared Doves, Starlings and House Sparrows and taking a photo that managed to involve them all as well as the sunflower, gladiolus and fuchsia as well as a unique Collared Dove photo in a great run I’m having for them with this delightful dove perched on the washing line tweeting both of these pictures on Dans_Pictures tonight we came back to Stockbridge Down.

The wild adventures here started in the car park as we parked in the car park to the east of the site this time where we don’t often go to look for a Brown Hairstreak someone we know on Facebook had seen around this area this week which we didn’t see today but it was still a very enjoyable walk. I spotted some beautiful looking black mullein as shown in the first picture I took today in this photoset and on them some pretty caterpillars. These were the Striped Lychnis moth caterpillar a new one for me which was fantastic to see they are so pretty I found in a year where we have had some great caterpillar moments another new one for me this year. My thanks go to a kind person I know on Twitter who let me know what this one was.

We then walked out through the woods onto the beautiful down, a similar habitat to the two locations yesterday which was still alive with colour. I took the second, fifth and sixth picture in this photoset of views far and wide here today. And I loved seeing so many beautiful wildflowers again I could certainly get used to these ripe summery meadows which I enjoyed so much this year and this weekend. Flowers I saw in the meadow and woods today included; lots of yarrow, eyebright that I learnt when last here last month, harebell and marjoram with some so nicely together in one spot which I took a photo of, vervain which was sweet, long and well grown and I got the fourth picture in this photoset of, hawks-beard, self-heal including also nicely together, a lone speedwell as it was yesterday when I saw one at Magdalen Hill one often seen in a group, quite big in places and bright purple knapweed, dominant yellow fennel, bird’s-foot trefoil, rosebay willowherb, wild basil which I learnt here last time too, wood avens and Herb-Robert.

Thriving in this rich meadow habitat were many butterflies out once more. There were Red Admiral, Peacock and an abundance of Chalkhill Blues once more. After the phenomenon of the sheer amount of these we saw here in July it was brilliant this weekend to see them at three amazing Hampshire locations here, Old Winchester Hill and Magdalen Hill all such good places for these splendid summer butterflies. There was a special moment seeing two Green-veined Whites mating which I loved seeing, and bright red Small Copper made a warm and great sight a butterfly I didn’t seem to see as much of early on this year but am on a great late run for seeing lately. I enjoyed a bright Brown Argus getting a cracking view and seeing it landed near to a female Chalkhill Blue was lovely to be able to do a bit of comparing I had a top afternoon for the special bourbon like coloured females of Stockbridge Down’s principal species I got the third picture in this photoset of one. Perhaps the most remarkable moment from the walk around the meadows was seeing a lovely late Dark Green Fritillary in the grass one I have barely seen past July before and still looked in pretty good condition I got the seventh picture in this photoset of it. There were some nice and quite big in places mushrooms in the grass today as there often is here ahead of autumn so I liked seeing these and got the eighth picture in this photoset of one.

Quite a lot of action was waiting in the car park as we returned. Some lovely dark bush crickets near to the caterpillars another insect today I’d not seen before and a wealth of butterflies around a buddleia aka butterfly bush. On this purple beacon of life sat most of the common all season species, Peacock like the one in the ninth picture I took today in this photoset, Red Admiral, Comma, Brimstone and a splendid Small Tortoiseshell another precious red butterfly I am having a great late surge in seeing including yesterday too. A perhaps more understated in colour Meadow Brown sat almost tuckled away on a small patch of yarrow below the buddleia. I relished chances for photos of butterflies with my macro and big lens. This afternoon with taking so many and thinking it may be my last charge of consistent butterfly pictures in peak season before it’s just some here and there as the season concludes I really made the most of taking pictures of these flamboyant beings. I photographed nine butterfly species today and loved doing it possibly my highest ever in a day before making it as much as yesterday one of my best butterfly days ever.

There was one spectacular moment still to come as I was thrilled to spot a hairstreak on a leaf at the base of a tree. In the bursts of wind the leaves swayed about and it looked like the butterfly was on a fairground ride but I got some solid binocular looks and tries for photos with my big lens as it was commonly for the species quite high up to confirm it was a Purple Hairstreak. These were such precious moments with this quintessential summer butterfly that I was equally a little surprised were still going my latest ever sighting in a year for sure they are a July specialty. Purple Hairstreak as I’ve said a lot is a butterfly of the year contender for me this year mostly because of seeing them at my local Lakeside which I was stunned at and was a monumental moment in my working from home and local butterfly days but if I include the unsure first Lakeside sighting of some the day before definitely seeing them on that incredible Knepp trip early on in July that’s six occasions I’ve seen this beautiful butterfly that is on my B list of favourites on over four spots so both here and West Wood also I’d never seen them before when I did see them at this year. Its interesting that the place alongside Knepp Bentley Wood that was the only other place I’d seen them before this year and saw my first ever Purple Hairstreaks at in 2014 feels about the only place we didn’t see them this year but that’s only because we’d seen all the summer targets elsewhere after an amazing spring at Bentley if we hadn’t have seen the hairstreaks at all the other places we’d have been there as usual. An extraordinary butterfly year for sure and this was another wow moment this year and this weekend.

We once again took a quick look at Stockbridge on the way home to let Missy swim and cool off and we got more pleasing views along the river and it was nice to see bright light blue forget-me-not hanging over the river with silverweed and bindweed beside it and other flowers. Sweet peas and sunflowers looked extremely beautiful in an allotment beside the path and it was great to see a stunning Swallow skimming over too a great summer moment. Herring Gull on a roof visible out the front, Goldfinch on the balcony and pansies and other flowers I took picture of among the most of them in the back garden stood out this evening at home on another very pleasant and relaxing Sunday evening for me lately. A cracking weekend this one for wildlife/photography and other reasons, I hope you all had a good and safe one. Wildlife Sightings Summary for Stockbridge Down: My first ever Striped Lychnis moth caterpillar and Dark Bush Cricket, four of my favourite butterflies the Chalkhill Blue, Red Admiral, Brimstone, Small Tortoiseshell and Brown Argus, Comma, Peacock, Meadow Brown, Gatekeeper, Small Copper, Holly Blue, Green-veined White, Small White, nice views of Yellowhammer and Goldfinch too I’m seeing so many Goldfinches lately at places other than the back garden and have had a great weekend for both, I heard some Starlings nicely too, garden snail the name I learnt for something I’ve seen a lot of before today, long hoverfy and another moth.

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undefined5posts · 4 years ago

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Credit: Jordan J. Lloyd

I've been trying to dive deeper into politics, discover the genuine roots of our society, the origins of our beliefs, and the consequences of our economic system. It's a big, long, wide journey and through multiple sources such as articles, images, videos and multiple social media platforms, I've been trying to educate myself more on important subjects.

Communism, capitalism, libertarian, conservative, the left, the right, the history, the impact. It is scary to commit to everything because once you start, you simply cannot stop, once you start waking up your conscience about the horrible reality, the lies, the truths, you cannot put it back to sleep. You can't just ignore prejudice, especially when you're extremely conscious of it's omnipresence. I have continually tried to build my own opinions all while actively creating bullet point arguments in my mind because I just know that at some point I will have to defend my thinking, and I want to do it right.

Now, I am so far from being enlightened, I am a beginner and an amateur in all of those themes, but I am trying, which is the only way to start and grow.

So to tell you about my beliefs, I am a militant human rights activist, I believe in equal opportunities regardless of gender identity, sex, religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race and disability. This is a fact, not a belief, but the system was obviously not built to protect all people, its wasn't created to serve everyone equally but to grant a privilege to some and harm others. The current state of the world is not a slip, an accident or a misfunction of our brilliant system but a testament of it operating remarkably well. I believe that equity leads to equality, and I believe that we cannot "fix" methodologies that were immorally created with absolutely no honor whatsoever. I believe in reproductive rights, in legal, safe abortions for anybody who needs one. I believe in the decriminalization of marijuana. I believe that the death penalty is a despicable punition that should be banned as soon as possible. I believe in defunding the police and the military. I believe that it is a shame that I even have to talk about police brutality, I don't want to have to say that it is one of the most horrible things our world has originated, I feel extremely dense when I do because it seems like the most obvious certitude and I refuse to believe that this is a controversial statement. I believe that everything I have just stated, along with many more, isn't anything grand but the bare minimum, the bar is low, and yet, we still have the fight for basic human decency.

Humanity has become an option. We have normalized supporting people that represent everything wrong in this world under the name of tolerance. The left has never claimed to be tolerant towards hateful beings, We have never accepted homophobia, transphobia, racism, ableism and sexism. We cannot, for exemple, accept nazis, as too much tolerance inevitably leads to intolerance. This picture explains it perfectly:

I consider myself a communist/ socialist. The two terms still confuse me a little, some say they are the same, some say they differ quite a bit. What I know is that socialism is the transitional period between capitalism and communism. At the end of the day, the final result and goal is a stateless, moneyless and clasless society that will provide to each his need.

Our capitalistic society has brainwashed us way more than you may think. It is the root of so many of our issues, the underground demon of our problems. Every idea, thought, belief, and misconception of ours were all affected by our current economic system. It has sold us the billionnaire dream which is one of the most toxic things capitalism has offered. We have looked up to billionaires for way too long, why are they so idolized? Most of them come from high upper class families that can easily afford to invest in their inventions and creations. After starting up their companies and occasionnaly stealing other's people ideas to ultimately get undeserved merit, they then can start to properly exploit their hardworking employees's labour. And for unlimited hours and a minimum wage which probably won't even suffice you to survive, you will have to either pick up more shifts or a second or even third job, especially if you have a family to support. All while the CEO barely does any of the work and gets all the praise and money. So no, they don't all come from really poor families and have built everything for nothing.

The worst thing is that we've been so gaslit and brainwashed that we're proud of our own exploitation, we are wired to think that to be successful we have to suffer, work 10 jobs we all hate, constantly pick up extra hours, have 2 hours of sleep, have no free time to do anything we love, waste our entire youth, be depressed our entire adulthood, to finally have a few pennies to spend when we're eighty. We so strongly believe that this is the only right way to be successful that I don't think many of us have dared to question it's authority, and even if we do, we quickly accept that this a truth, a fact we cannot change and this is just the way things are.

We have capitalized water, food, land, forests, oceans, space, and everything in betweeen. Money is social construct and we have deliberately let it take over our lives. To think about the wasted opportunities and the misery that we have to endure so others can enjoy life truly angers me.

Also, communism is not an ideology that has every actually taken place. Despite what they say, there was never actually a communist country. However, every nation that has attempted a socialist system, for exemple Burkina Faso, has thrived. But of course, once capitalist countries noticed that, they decided to murder it's leader. So in conclusion, the only reason socialism failed is because of capitalism and it's interventions.

"As President (1983-1987), Sankara initiated economic reforms that shifted his country away from dependence on foreign aid and reduced the privileges of government officials; he cut salaries, including his own, decreed that there would be no more flying in first class or driving Mercedes as standard issue vehicles for Ministers and other government workers. He led a modest lifestyle and did not personally amass material wealth. President Sankara encouraged self-sufficiency, including the use of local resources to build clinics, schools and other needed infrastructure. [...] President Sankara promoted land reform, childhood vaccination, tree planting, communal school building, and nation-wide literacy campaigns. He was committed to gender equity and women’s rights and was the first African leader to publicly recognize the AIDS pandemic as a threat to African countries. Although Sankara became somewhat more authoritarian during his Presidency, his ideas, and the possibility that they could spread, were viewed by many as posing the greatest threat. President Sankara was assassinated during a coup led by a French-backed politician, Blaise Compaoré, in October 1987. Compaoré served as the President of Burkina Faso from October 1987 through October 2014, when he himself was overthrown."

Via:https://africandevelopmentsuccesses.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/success-story-from-burkina-faso-thomas-sankaras-legacy/

I have been reading and watching some amazing human rights activists, notably Angela Davis, Malcolm X and James Baldwin. The people that were villainized, labeled as violent and radical, when every single word that came out of their mouhs were pure facts. They are probably some of the most eloquent people I have had the pleasure of hearing. Every sentence, every argument, every single detail made so much sense and opened my mind to so many new realizations. This is the perfect exemple of how the media tarnishes the reputation of wise black women and men. I would strongly advise you to research more about them.

"Socialism & communism are demonized in the west to the point of erasing influential individuals' socialist advocacy. Heres a short list of people you may not have known were socialists/ communists:

MLK

Albert Einstein

Nelson Mandela

Frida Kahlo

Tupac Shakur

Mark Twain

Malcom X

Oscar Wilde

Bertrand Russell

Hellen Keller

Pablo Picasso

George Orwell

Shia LaBeouf

John Lennon

Woody Guthrie

Socialism & communism are not dirty words. Some of the most brilliant minds of our history were socialists and communists. Embrace it." Via @sleepisocialist on twitter

So what else can I say, capitalism has ruined our society and the way we act and think. I know a lot of people refuse to support communism because they think it's too much of a perfect ideal utopian world for it to ever actually exist. And to that I say, first of all, so you agree, it is a wonderful theory, and second of all, a world without racism, sexism, homophobia or any kind or discrimination could also be perceived as "too ideal to actually exist", but does that mean I'm giving up on talking, educating myself and others, protesting and trying to build a better future? Absolutely not. This is the objective, it would be so dumb to think that we just couldn't achieve that so let's not even try.

I want to talk more in detail about communism, theory, human rights, etc... but I don't want to make this post any longer. I will however be posting more about it soon enough.

I know this is a little different than what I usually post, but I want to speak, tell you all my own opinions, I don't want to just repost activism related stuff. I'll continue to do that, but not exclusively. I know it won't get as many interactions as my other posts, but this is what I needed at some point in my life, and if I could make understanding some basic informations easier to some people, it'll already be a great accomplishment.

Thank you for reading.

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theshebinator · 4 years ago

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Due to a recent run-in with an old ex-friend, someone who has caused me great trauma, I realized I need to set some overall boundaries.

tw for suicide, self harm, PTSD, abuse

If you aren’t comfortable clicking read more, here are the bullet points

1. I am okay, I am safe, and I am well. I am not angry with anyone, and this is in no way targeted at anyone. It is a general statement moving forward. This all happened many years ago.

2. There’s a long rambling childhood story in there explaining the reasons for the 3rd point

3. Please don’t vent to me unless you are given explicit permission. Please do not discuss se/f h/rm and su/c/de with me in any fashion.

Here’s the short version. Please don’t vent to me unless you are given explicit permission. Please do not discuss self harm and suicide with me in any fashion.

The explanation is this:

Over the course of my childhood, an old friend used to constantly keep me awake with them so I could talk them out of killing themself. This was be constant, nights back to back, for many many years. I lost a lot of sleep, and now suffer insomnia. Never once did this person offer any care in return. They got upset when I was “too happy” or “too sad” because I “didn’t care about them”. I always had to be a certain way, lest they’d threaten suicide. They treated me as their soul tether to life, and made it clear that if I slipped up their blood would be on my hands. I spent many years growing up under the shadow of this.

It all came to a head in 2014, when I told my parents I was going to kill myself, I didn’t want to, but I felt like it was the only way to escape this. Death hung over me every day, I couldn’t unclench, couldn’t relax, and I wanted it all to stop. My parents took me to a doctor who put me into outpatient hospitalization. There, I was given proper medication and set on therapy for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. I am much, much better now. I have a support system and good doctors. My life was saved, and I’m never going to take that for granted.

When I was out of the hospital, my ex-friend did not care. They were flippant, told me I didn’t need therapy because “I have it worse than you and I never went to the hospital”. After all the doctors told me I was not well, I believed my friend that I was fine. All so they could continue using me as a punching bag to lash out about their life. My emotional well being was never taken into account, and I STILL felt I deserved it for being “dramatic”. This is emotional abuse.

In recent years, I made many new friends who have given back as much as I put in. I learned what love was. It’s mutual care, not one person taking all the hits. I was able to recognize that my PTSD diagnosis was real, and I didn’t deserve what happened. I started taking my meds in earnest, and I improved greatly. I am no longer suicidal, and I will go to the ends of the earth to live my life as best I can and to love myself because I deserve it. We all do.

But, the wounds are still there. I worry that everyone I love will commit suicide, every day. It’s maddening, and the panic attacks are always there. Even when people joke about it, I get worried. My ex-friend trained me to be hypervigillant, and I can’t turn that off.

I’ve promised myself to never hurt myself again, but when people talk to me in depth about it, it’s very hard not to relapse. I go back to that time where I just wanted to make it stop, and I have to call my therapist. I’m 6 years clean, but there have been several close calls.

I’m not angry at the people who reach out to me. You didn’t know all this. I want more than anything for you all to live long, happy, healthy lives, but I cannot be the one to save your life. Firstly, I’m not a professional. Secondly, My cup is dry as a bone when it comes to this, and I can’t pour from an empty cup.

If you’d like to vent to me, I’d ask that we’re already friends and that if I say no to PLEASE never take it personally. I’m probably not the best person to go to.

I don’t ever, EVER, want anyone to kill themselves. Even if I don’t know you, even if I don’t like you, I love you and I want you to thrive. I’d never wish suicide or self harm on my worst enemy. I care immensely and this boundary is in no way me trying to ignore the very real awfulness that is suicide. Please stay safe, there will always be somebody who loves you and wants you safe and alive.

If you’re EVER planning on anything, please don’t send me any goodbye message or tip-off. Please, please don’t. I can’t handle it, I just can’t. PLEASE reach out to a hotline, professional, someone else you trust to talk to you. If you do send me anything, the best I can do is redirect you to a hotline. That is literally all I can do. I’m sorry.

I hope this all makes sense. I’d appreciate it if no one asked me any questions on my story. I’ve said all I want to say. No, I will not tell you who it’s about or if you know the person. As much as I resent them, everyone deserves a chance to be better. This was long ago, and I want that person to move forward like I’m trying to. I only tell that story for context and to reassure you that I am much better now. I’ve healed a great deal. This is hard for me to do, but I feel like in order to be understood I need to tell the whole story.

Thank you.

#dont r//b please

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ollieofthebeholder · 4 years ago

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leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall) a TMA fanfic

[1] [2] Also on AO3.

Chapter 3: Martin

Martin waits until everyone leaves the Archives that night. Then he waits a bit longer, just to be certain they’re gone. Then he wastes a little more time telling himself not to be stupid.

Then he sighs, pockets torch and corkscrew, and ventures into the Archives to find himself.

It’s surprisingly easy. His double, or alter ego, or future self, or…whatever the right term is for him, is waiting for him in one of the reading nooks, seated in a comfortable armchair, hands folded around a mug of tea. He turns his head as Martin approaches and smiles, a tired sort of smile. “Still here, then. How’d he take it?”

Martin eyes the other (it’s easier to think of him that way for now). He seems relaxed, mostly, but there’s a kind of tension to him, like he’s waiting for another shoe to drop. And his hands—Martin probably wouldn’t notice if his own hadn’t done the same earlier—are trembling, ever so faintly. He’s either tired or stressed or scared, or some combination of the three. Martin suddenly feels bad for adding to that, in whatever way he did.

“How’d he take it when you told him?” he parries, taking a cautious seat in the armchair across from the other. He notices another mug of tea sitting on the small table between them. “Is that for me?”

“Thought we could both use some. It’s that peppermint-chamomile blend nobody admits they drink, so it shouldn’t keep you up all night.”

Martin picks up the cup, feeling its warmth soak into his palms. Just the smell is calming, sort of. “You didn’t answer my first question.”

“He…smiled,” the other says slowly. “I was a bit worried about him, to be honest. Thought he’d gone off his rocker. But…well, he was a bit paranoid at the time. Things were—it was bad. Not as bad as it got later, but still…bad. He’d gotten convinced one of us might have been trying to kill him, or might have killed Gertrude Robinson—long story why he believed that, I really can’t tell you just yet—and then he found part of a letter I’d written to Mum in the document storage room, after I’d moved back out, talking about not wanting the others to find out the truth. Combined with the fact that he’d just finished reading a statement from Trevor Herbert—you know, the vampire hunter? Apparently he didn’t actually die after giving his first one—and he sort of overreacted. Then I told him the only thing I’d been lying about was my job history, and he could relax. Said he was honestly rather relieved.”

Martin nearly chokes on the sip of tea he’s just taken. Setting it down on the table, he takes a moment to clear his throat, then says in as neutral a voice as he can, “He said the same thing to me. At the end. He wasn’t…mad or anything. Just told me to ask for help if I need it. And then he had me spend the rest of the day on filing. Wants me to look for statements that…might help with the current situation?”

He’s not sure why that comes out as a question. The other gives a thoughtful hum. “There are a few out there. Jane Prentiss made a statement in…let me think, 2014? It’s been a while since I listened to it. And I honestly don’t know exactly where it is in here.”

“Yeah, things are pretty out of order. Jon can’t figure out why Gertrude just shoved things wherever.”

“Ah—that’s a—”

“Don’t tell me. It’s a long story,” Martin says, a bit sourly.

“I know, you’re getting tired of hearing that,” the other says, sounding apologetic. “It really is, though. And…this isn’t the best place or time to tell it.”

“Why not?” Martin knows he sounds like a petulant toddler, but he feels like he’s being treated like one. “What’s the big deal?”

“I’m—waiting for someone else. Once they get here, we’ll tell you—all of you—but really, this is…they explain it better than I do. And they know how to keep you all safe once you know it. I don’t. There’s only so much I can tell you without putting you at risk, and frankly putting our whole plan to save the world in jeopardy. And I’m sorry, I know how much you hate feeling like you’re being…brushed off or kept in the dark or whatever, but I’m not doing this for fun. For right now, just know that Gertrude had her reasons, and they were…I’m not going to say they were valid, because I’m not sure it would have made a difference if she had organized the Archives properly, but I��m not sure they didn’t at least slow things down a bit.” The other takes a deep breath. “We’ll tell you everything as soon as we can. Promise.”

“When is…this someone else supposed to get here?” Martin asks. The speech took a bit of the wind out of him, actually.

“Soon, I hope. We’re…relying on someone else for transportation, shall we say, and we were warned it would be unreliable. Problem is, I don’t know if we came through at the same time but in different places, or if we’ll come through in the same place but at different times.”

“And you don’t have a way of communicating with one another?”

The other hesitates again. “Not…really. They can find me, though. In theory, anyway. They always could before. And if they can’t, well, we both know the plan, and it involves the Archives, so they’ll be heading this way anyway. I just…don’t know for sure.”

Martin bites his lip. “Is it—look, what if you came through the same place at different times, but they got here first? Would they have…”

“They’d have found me by now. I’d bump into them trawling through the Archives after you’re supposed to be sleeping.” A familiar dimple winks in the other’s cheek as he smiles, if only for a second. “Trust me. I know it’s hard to believe, but they wouldn’t have just…left me. Wherever they are, if they’ve come through somewhere else, they’re looking for me.”

Martin tries not to be skeptical, but he can’t help but think that whoever this someone else is, they must be someone he hasn’t met yet. Even Tim or Sasha, if they came back in time with him to fix something, would immediately apply themselves to solving the problem rather than waste time worrying about where he might be. Unless something changes drastically between now and whenever his counterpart came back—you know, besides the end of the world—he very much doubts they ever would. He wants to ask when he meets this person, but decides against it. The fact that his counterpart has changed the timeline means that now he might not meet that person, and that’s a bit of a depressing thought. That saving the world might come at the cost of Martin being that important to someone.

It’s worth it, but it’s still a bit depressing.

“Would they have looked for you before?” The question slips out before he can stop it, and he wants to bite his tongue in half, then decides, to hell with it. He might as well press on. “Before the end of the world, I mean.”

“Not only would they,” the other says, quietly but with steel in his voice, “but they did. They found out I was heading into a dangerous situation and practically moved heaven and earth to find me and bring me back safely. Almost literally. So when I say I know they’re coming, I know. I’m more certain of that than I’ve ever been of anything else in my life.”

“And you’re not…worried about them?”

“Constantly. Just like I’m sure they worry about me. But I know they won’t give up on me, any more than I’ll ever give up on them. They’ll find me.”

“Why don’t you go find them?” Martin asks. If whatever plan they have involves them needing to be together…

The other shakes his head slowly. “If they’re going to come out at the same place but not the same time, I’ll just be wasting time I could be using to lay the groundwork here. And if they’re already on the way from wherever they ended up…what if we miss one another? I’m not adding to their worries more than I have to.”

Martin desperately wants to change the subject now. He can hear the strain in the other’s voice, but more than that, he hears the undercurrent of real, genuine love. He and…whoever else is coming back…have a deep bond, nigh-unshakable, and Martin wants that, longs for it. And it kills him knowing that he’s likely not going to get it. He’s sure he’ll never meet this person now.

“So,” he says finally. “Until they get here…what can you tell me?”

The other takes a slow, thoughtful sip of his tea. “I can tell you that you’re in danger.”

“But you said—”

“Oh, not from the worms. Not really. It’s the Archives. The Institute.”

The other pauses. For a long moment there’s no sound but the usual noises of an old building settling for the evening and the gentle susurration of the climate control system. Martin sips at the tea, feels the herbs curl gently into his stomach, and wonders how much anxiety is going to surge past the soothing mint and chamomile as soon as his older counterpart starts talking again. That the Institute is creepy isn’t really news to him, but dangerous?

“There are…forces in this world you know nothing about,” the other says at last. “Powerful beings. They thrive on fear. They are fear. And one of them was behind the founding of the Institute.”

“And it’ll—do what? Hurt me? Control me?”

“Not…really? Not on purpose, anyway. It’s fond of you.”

Martin supposes that makes sense. A being that thrives on fear? He must be a veritable feast. Especially right now. It’s probably fond of him the way a glutton might be fond of a smorgasbord, or at least a cheeseboard if anxiety doesn’t quite have the same level of sustenance as fear. For a wild moment, he considers asking, then decides in favor of listening silently to the other continue.

“But these beings have…I don’t even really know what to call them. Servants? Worshipers? Devotees? We used to call some of them avatars, but that’s not really accurate. There are people who come under their power, willingly or unwillingly, and some of them get powers from these things. They don’t lose their free will, for the most part. They still have a degree of autonomy under their powers, although they can be punished, sometimes pretty severely, for doing something too contrary to what their…entity wants, or needs. But…well. There’s at least one person under the—being that founded the Institute’s thrall that doesn’t care if you get hurt or not. Right now, anyway.”

“Right now,” Martin repeats. “And later?”

“Hopefully, you’ll never have to find out what he can do if he does want to hurt you.”

The pain in the other’s voice is palpable, and he looks…lost. Martin’s blood runs cold as he considers the possible interpretations of that. Logically, a fear being that wants to hurt you would make you more afraid, right? But possibly give you a valid reason for that fear, so that you’d be irrationally afraid of seemingly innocuous things later. Like in the Carlos Vittery statement, when he accidentally killed a spider and then fell into the egg sac and was swarmed by them and…

“Hang on,” Martin blurts. “Is there—does one of these fear beings have to do with spiders?”

“Ah—yes, actually. Not the one that runs the Institute, though.”

“Christ, is that why Jon’s so averse to spiders? He ran into that being once? Did it hurt him? Is it still after him?”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down.” The other holds out a hand, palm outward. “Short answers? Yes, yes, not exactly, and sort of. There’s a lot going on there. But that’s why I told you last night to keep an eye out for spiders. They invariably mean something is messing with him. Again.”

Martin exhales heavily. He likes spiders, always has, stemming back to his grandfather reading him Charlotte’s Web every afternoon for two weeks when he was in bed with the chicken pox. A lot of the things he loves—spiders, poetry, cherry preserves, Highland cattle—are things he discovered, or more accurately was given, at his grandfather’s knee. His mother’s father, with whom Martin had spent more time than either of his parents even before his father walked out on them, the man who taught Martin everything from his parents’ native Polish to knitting, who walked with a cane but never showed any difficulty keeping up with his only grandson. Who never told him not to be afraid, but always showed him how to fight back against his fears. His grandfather loved him—is probably the last person who really loved him, if Martin’s being honest—and he still misses him sorely. He’s never admitted to Jon that’s why he gets so defensive about spiders, but now he wonders what Jon would say if he did.

“Did you ever tell him?” he asks, then clarifies when the other gives him an odd look. “Why you like spiders so much. About Granddad and all.”

“A little. Not about the spiders, though. By the time we were close enough to talk about that sort of thing, I understood a little better why he didn’t like them and we avoided the subject if we could.”

Martin wants to ask how long that took, but decides against it. He doesn’t want to force things if it won’t happen that quickly for him, and he also doesn’t want to hold back from trying if he hears that it’s “supposed” to be a while. Let things happen at their own pace, he supposes. That’s all he really can do.

“Hypothetically speaking,” he says slowly, “and not to change the subject, but…how long do you have to stop the world from ending?”

The other puffs out his cheeks and exhales. “Couple years? But it’s…we’re trying to slow the prep work, so to speak. We’re hoping we can stop it altogether. Might only be able to delay the inevitable, but we have to try.”

“Even though you survived the world ending?”

“Especially because we survived the world ending.”

“Did we all survive it?” Martin asks. “Tim? Sasha? Jon?”

There’s a long silence before the other replies, “Everyone who was alive when the world ended continued to be alive after. It’s just that a lot of them wished they weren’t.”

Martin really, really wishes he didn’t ask. And even though he’s burning to know whether any of them regretted being alive past the end of the world, he decides to table that question…for now. The other looks like he’s in real pain, and Martin wouldn’t make that worse even if it wasn’t his own face he’s seeing that look on. Which is still really weird to contemplate.

“So what can I do?” he asks instead.

“I told you. Keep—”

“Keep Jon safe, I know. That’s—you should know you don’t have to actually tell me to do that, really. But I mean…other than that. What can I do to help you?”

The other pauses. He tilts his head slightly to one side, like he’s listening to something Martin can’t hear, or like he’s studying him, or maybe just like he’s thinking. Finally, he says, “Where are you hiding the fire extinguishers?”

“Everywhere I can.” Martin wonders that the other doesn’t know that, if he was, well, him.

“No, I know that. It’s just…I don’t have my bearings anymore. The Archives…I haven’t been down here in, well, a long time. I don’t remember where everything is off the top of my head. And trying to find things without—” The other stops. “I’m trying not to be seen by any of you, really. Obviously I’m failing, but I’m trying. It’s hard to move around without…making noise or drawing attention. Harder than it used to be, anyway.”

“Oh.” Martin should have guessed that. He thinks for a minute. “I’ll grab you a couple, if you want. Then you can put them somewhere you’ll remember. I’d give you this one, but…”

The other smiles. “Thank you. I do appreciate that. But if you’re asking what you can do to help with the plan…well, you really can help best by keeping Jon safe.”

“Are you going to ever tell me what the plan is?”

“Eventually. When it’s not just me. It’s—it’s going to take some work. Not as easy as we’d like it to be, and…well, there’s a bit of an additional difficulty now. I don’t know how long it’s going to take us to be ready, or able, to do what needs doing. But we were always planning to bring you all in.”

Martin is bursting with questions, but he tries to tamp it down and be patient. “In that case…want me to fill you in on what we’re working on? Will that help?”

The other’s smile is broad and wistful. “Absolutely. Let’s hear it.”

#the magnus archives #tma #time travel fix it au #leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall)#Martin Blackwood Protects Himself By Telling Himself Absolutely Nothing #ollie writes fanfic

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pochapal · 4 years ago

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rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking:

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3.

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it.

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with.

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

#Anonymous #long post #read all of this if you have vested interest in knowing intimate details about my life or whatever

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